I don't know if I've ever cared about anything as much as I care about Coleen vs Rebekah

War of the Wags: Coleen vs Rebekah
War of the Wags: Coleen vs Rebekah Credit:  PA

If there is any justice in this world, she should be the recipient of this year's Booker, Pulitzer and Costa prizes, the winner of the next MacArthur Foundation Genius grant... hell, let's just give her the Nobel on Friday. Greta is doing a wonderful job of saving the planet but has she generated a bottomless pit of memes and punnery of the calibre Coleen Rooney has blessed us with this Wednesday morning? 

I don’t know if I’ve ever cared about anything as much as I care about Coleen vs Rebekah. I'm only sorry for all the screenwriters who must now live with the knowledge that they will never write a payoff as good as: "It's.............. Rebekah Vardy's account." The pure drama of it! It's pant-wetting stuff.

"I think this tweet has killed the novel," said one onlooker. And we thought it would be the Kindle. But no, it's Coleen Rooney.

Coleen Rooney, long-suffering wife of footballer Wayne has accused Rebekah of selling stories about her personal life to The Sun Credit: Jason Cairnduff 

Incidentally I do hope Jed Mercurio is following all this. The last series of Line of Duty could have done with a touch of Coleen. Just as the Broccolis enlisted Phoebe Waller Bridge to spice up the next Bond, from now on, every police drama and murder mystery would do well to call in Coleen to glance over the final edit. I tip my hat to the genius on Twitter who wasted no time in crowning her "WAGatha Christie". Very well done. (My congratulations also go to: "WAGyu beef". Truly stunning work.)

If you slipped on the way into work, dropped your phone down a manhole and as a result haven't the foggiest idea what I'm talking about, let me educate you. Strap yourself in. 

Coleen Rooney, long-suffering wife of Mr Potato Head himself, has accused Rebekah-with-a-K-Vardy of selling stories about her personal life to The Sun. She revealed all on Twitter this morning. The oeuvre begins: "For a few years now someone who I trusted to follow me on my personal Instagram account has been consistently informing The SUN newspaper of my private posts and stories." 

As the plot builds we realise this isn't just a celebrity moaning about appearing in the gossip columns. This is some deep state stuff. Coleen has carried out a major investigation spanning several weeks and months and only now is able to reveal her findings.

She continues. "After a long time of trying to figure out who it could be, for various reasons I had a suspicion. To try and prove this I came up with an idea."

Coleen employed a tactic known as the Canary Trap. (Honestly, Villanelle has nothing on her. I wonder if Phoebe is kicking herself for getting Jodie Comer to do all those accents? Clearly her native Scouse would have done the trick.)

Back to Coleen. Blocking all but one follower on her private Instagram account, the mother-of-four began posting fake stories to wheedle out the leaker. Or, more specifically: "The story about gender selection in Mexico, the story about returning to TV and then the latest story about the basement flooding in my new house". Otherwise known as the running order for tonight's The One Show segments. 

She laid in wait as the stories began to appear in print. "Now I know for certain which account/individual it's come from. 

"I have saved and screenshotted all the original stories which clearly show just one person has viewed them." 

She could have gone on here but like all the best writers, she knew when to hit us with her payoff. "It's.............. Rebekah Vardy's account." 

Arise Queen Coleen, empress of the tierce de Picardie. 

At this juncture I'd like to pay homage to all the weary political journalists on my timeline rejoicing at the major social media drama we have been blessed with. What a gift this must have been for you all. I'm reminded of the scene in Gavin and Stacey when Nessa is giving birth and no one can find Smithy and Pam exclaims gleefully: "It's all the drama, Mick! I just love it!" So do we, Pam. So do we. 

But hell hath no fury like a WAG who has had her direct line to The Sun exposed on Twitter. Within minutes, RV had replied. 

"As I have just said to you on the phone, I wish you had called me if you thought this. I never speak to anyone about you as various journalists who have asked me to over the years can vouch for.

"If you thought this was happening you could have told me & I could have changed my passwords to see if it stopped." 

Ah, so is she saying it was someone else... on her account? 

"Over the years various people have had access to my insta & just this week I found I was following people I didn't know and have never followed myself. 

"I'm not being funny but I don't need the money, what would I gain from selling stories on you?" 

She's not wrong there. She doesn't need the money. But is she really claiming an assistant did it? 

She added: "I'm disgusted that I'm even having to deny this. You should've called me the first time it happened."

The real truth is, much like the withdrawal agreement, as yet unknown. Incidentally, if Coleen has any suggestions for alternatives to the backstop, I'm sure the Prime Minister would welcome them. 

For now, all we can do is sit back and busy ourselves coming up with new memes while we wait for Coleen to respond.